A Tug-O-War With God.

Well now that I've been working almost every weekend this summer, I've had some time to let the Kool-Aid from church wear off a bit. I feel the loss of connection with Jesus only because of certain things I've been noticing around my life.

You see, now I'm not so sure about following Christ. To me Christ is the big disappointment. He's been clobbering most of my friends and family over the past few years and I don't see the "test of faith" point to all this. I don't get the "prove it to me" aspect of what God requires from us.

It started with the loss of my two grandparents last year (one suffered Alzheimer's Disease for 10 years prior to her death), my friend from church lost his 3 year old daughter to epilepsy one night, my hands became crippled with arthritis and advised to walk away from guitar play forever, and my friend from work was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic bone cancer.

Which brings me to another person, a person who I've shared the stage with at my own church. He's been a very strong faith person (as the friend who lost his daughter), and yet keeps getting dealt a bad hand constantly. He lost his brother to a senseless brain tumor, his wife was having to be rushed to the ER from any perfume or scented anything anyone was wearing (throat started closing up whenever passed by an old lady wearing perfume) and now he himself is dealing with hearing loss from a work incident.

Why is God f'cking with believers? How is that supposed to strengthen your relationship with God? It really doesn't seem fair. I'm starting to think that maybe if I ease off on my relationship with Christ, maybe I'll avoid the radar.

Yet I find myself lately turning to Christian music stations without even realizing it. I listen to the Jesus Christ Show on KFI 640 AM on Sundays. So it's like my subconscious is trying to keep me connected while my conscious side is wanting to walk away.

I'm already convinced I'm not going to heaven anyway. I mean why would I when I can't stand half the people in the world already? I react to the slightest stupid act that I witness. How can I get along in heaven when I can't even stand the people here on earth? So may main friends who are hardcore believers....I don't see how you guys do it. I want what you have, I've prayed for what you have, I've prayed for strength each day to be a better person, avoid swearing like a sailor, and yet Christ seems so distant to me. I felt Him in 2004-2007, but something happened.

My hands are slightly improving, I realize I can no longer play in bands (which I loved slightly less than my wife and kids), considering returning to my church ministry of playing in worship service....but now, I'm not sure I'm worthy to fake the lie in my soul. But in the same sense, there's something in me searching for something. I loved that feeling of being connected to Christ in those early reborn years. I'm finding now that I'm not paying attention if He is speaking to me or not. I don't see God's benefit with the use of pain and tragedy. I guess it started with my hand diagnosis. Why would God take away my talent when I was using it for Him in ministry? To me that's just bullsh't.

Some of our treasured pastors have moved away, all because "God had a different direction" for them. At this point my view is that God takes away and takes away and is constantly demanding proof of your devotion. I feel like a sucker.

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